Chuya Nakahara: My Living-Being
这不是简单的ntr。
再说一遍，这不是简单的ntr。
小林秀雄直到中也晚年（<30岁）都是他重要的朋友。
中也同样从未憎恨过泰子；不如说，中也“憎恨不了”任何人，所以也就没有“原谅”不“原谅”的问题了。
虽然的确是“奇怪的三角关系”（小林语），但站在各自的角度，他们三人的行为都是合理的。
但无疑，中也虽然可说是受害者，却也是最大的受益者。因为在那之后，泰子才真正成为他的诗歌的一部分。
观看他和泰子交往期间的达达诗，再拜见中也和泰子分手后写下的象征诗，会感到亲切度、抒情程度倍增。甚至还有《湖上》这种超越了“赠给恋人的求圌欢诗”的作品。
分手后的中也陷入了心理疾病中。是当时称为“强迫观念”一类的病。于是中也母亲安排他回乡结婚。
但是，中也在和友人·安原喜弘的信中，却只提过一次自己结婚的事情。
当然不能说曾经的女友，比妻子还要重要。把人放在“重要等级”上，这件事本身就不够诗意。
但是，泰子给中也的，绝对不仅是“少年放荡”“离开父母后的依托”这样的的载体。她的魅力一定影响了中也此后的全部。
My Living-Being
by Chuya Nakahara
It could have been utterly for my folly. On the day where my woman went to the man who had recently won her heart, I happened to be changing my dwelling place as well, so I trusted my own baggage to a porter and helped carrying hers. Moreover, I took her fragile items that would not fit into a car and she could not hold by herself, all the way to the borrowed lodging of that man, who was my foe. To be honest, I did it simply because the man was a close friend of mine, and his lodging was on my way to a station that I had to go to that evening.
It chanced that I was bored of her at the time, and she was the type of woman who cannot help anything in regards to the dreams and works of her man. Being confused by her for some time, I was secretly delighted when she decided to leave. Yet after that day of decision I gradually became furiously sad.
It was in late November. When I put down a parcel of her brittle objects to the door of her new home, that man was reading the news just next door, wearing a brown padded jacket, his head dropping deep down. Though I was about to head back, the woman asked me to stay for a while, and so did her new lover, so I stayed.
What I said afterwards I have no clear memory, although it must have been full of satires to the new man, while the woman was winking at me as if we were still together. Then anger surged up within me, the reason being ---- well, why on earth had she abandoned me in the first place?
I bid them farewell, and put on my cold shoes. It had been a while since she moved into that lodging, yet they had not a light bulb at the front door. I remember putting on my shoes in a dimly illuminated doorway. Then immediately some light was shed on my shoulders, and she came, and saw me out.
I had finally put my shoes on. I said nothing while opening their glass lattice door. In the sky were cool clouds and a bright moon shining. In a haste, I opened the door only very slightly, and as I stepped out from that narrow door I saw her face. Even then, as I recall, I was making a bad grin at her.
-----So I was abandoned! The suburban footpaths were moist and evening dew was dripping. Roars and shrieks came from the railway trains, way through the shadow-haunted forest. My whole body shivered.
I was nearly at the station, but had no intention of taking a train straight away, so I walked into the recently cultivated fields of the wild, all the way to the next station.---------------------
I arrived at the new dwelling. It was half an hour past midnight. My baggage had been left upstairs. I wanted to only take out my futon, yet I had been so remarkably discouraged even when making my own bed. I remember that scent from the cords that tied my baggage.
Soon I was lying with my back on the futon, then for a moment I was supporting my head with my elbow on the pillow. It was quite a difficult balance. I wept not. I had no way but taking out the Bible and starting to read, but I cannot vaguely remember which chapter that was. It was ridiculous having the Bible in my hands and being absent-minded.
Were I a novelist, now I would definitely be expected by the reader to describe the interaction among that woman and her new lover and myself. Unfortunately I have not such an interest. Instead of those particulars, I would like to focus on the living-being of myself, who went through all those particulars.
Timidity were, at last, a sign of gentleness. A timid man with a weak mind, while not caring about others, could produce only goodness towards them; once he started taking others in mind, he would put away his own living-being, and become the worst trouble maker. That is to say, he would gradually shrink into a socialiser, doing nothing but to socialise. It was as if an infant, with little knowledge of the turbulent outside world, being over-rocked in his cradle, and therefore becoming fretful and peevish. Men of the current age are more or less fretful and peevish, especially for Japan, who has been introduced to materialism in too short a period of time.
Fearing of becoming peevish in recent time, not only would we dull down our senses, but we would also be seriously in need of a so-said "always awake" person, someone who always piously looks into the future. Thus said,
Until the day she left me, I believed that I had been that pious future-seeker. I was self-unionised. Shall I say it in a more adolescent way: I used to know the whole universe. Shall I say it clearly and concisely: I knew the boundary between relative possibility and impossibility, I knew why possibilities were possible and why impossibilities were impossible. I was based on rigorous logic, and finally, I had seen the God of Beginning.
Yet as soon as she left me, I grew regretful day in and day out. ---- I only came to understand it recently, that I have lost the Self-Unionisation I once had. It has completely slipped away; it dropped from my hand in between my fingers. For one thing, I had seldom done any proper reading until then, and knew not of terminologies, traditions, or idiomatic forms. Therefore, once encountered by regrets, my identity was then lost.
But anyway, I had been lost! Moreover, I knew not that I had been lost! I was simply regretting. I was a "regretful man".
Hence, thinking back from now, having then lost the outside world, timidness was budding in me. That timidness was to do with mutual relationships. Would I not become peevish?
I suffered. And little by little did I begin resenting others. The world cramped and crumbled and I was soon suffocated. Yet I wanted to live. I wanted to live on! ---- So I said, and immediately I lost myself and had nothing more to say. I fathomed restoring my reason by reading, so I got lost in loads and loads of books. I was not reading out of interest to anything; I simply had no other means or ends. I was crying over spilled milk! Every so often I would give a face saying "I regret; I regret". At some point I wondered whether I have already been stuffed to death. Still part of me was saying "I wanna live on", and I continued reading every book within my reach. (I became peevish. My eyes gave shocked and wandering looks.)
Despite this, I gained nothing from the books I read. Still I was one single regretful man.
I was into such a frying pan that I could only mourn for that "Self-Unionisation" in the past days of mine.
"Even I had once a time worth writing down with pens of gold!" Thus spake Rimbaud.
And so I thought. She hated nothing about me, and her new lover would not necessarily despise me...... She was a woman of capricious prank...... I'd rather have her detest me from her very core; I'd rather have all her contempt......
In fact, it was her human nature that caused all of this. Amiable as her roots might be, she could get people into mischiefs all of a sudden. The man she went to was a literati (or at least he had been one), a hindered academic who fathomed the thoughts of the authors of all the books he read. When he fell in love he exchanged very intelligent aims with her, until she believed his ideas and talked frequently on them as well. Initially she laughed at him at the bottom of her heart, but quickly she aligned with him. I happened to know that, because she had told me all about it. Her aimlessness was to such an extent ---- rather, she could be extremely kind in one situation, and extremely wicked in another. What a fallen angel.
As I once guessed, for some time after she fled my place and went to her new lover's home, she was proud about having changed her boyfriend. For this reason, she chatted to people about the intelligent ideas that man had taught her, and to be even more capricious, about the obvious blemishes of mine ---- but it did not seem at all that she resented me for any of them. And when she started wandering between me and her new lover, she would always direct her topic to the weak points of mine.
So both this woman and her new man confused emotions with reality, and were, actually, childish people.
Nonetheless, the man had a hard time studying and understanding his own nativity afterwards, but I would rather not put that into details here.
All would agree: betrayal by a friend is much more painful than betrayal by a stranger. But I feel, that she had better leave me for someone I do know, than with one I do not. I must confess so. Could it be only that I am a coward? Yet who could be sure, that beside my unwillingness to resent others, I do hold in my heart a certain kind of power to sneer at those mere, sanguine human beings, that, in reality, I am rather courageous?
But anyway, put all of that aside, and I way crying over spilt milk!
It was in March when I, with that woman, arrived in Tokyo from Town K. For the ones who knew, I had only Mr I, the man who took my woman, and Mr T, who introduced him to me. But just one month prior to the breakup, T died, so I had virtually no acquaintance in Tokyo anymore. As for nodding acquaintances, I had five of them, four of which being admirers of I, and the other one a plain-dressed man-about-town, nowhere close to being my companion, since I was simple and honest. He was a mere cruel creature, but seems rather a gentleman when the surroundings were at peace. Sometimes he was satisfied by imagining himself to be diabolic. Indeed he lay awkwardly between the good-natured man and the genius, and considered nothing of appropriateness. Though he was a young literati, he had not really written anything. But I heard that quite often he paid visits to the great men of letters. Since he got good results in many aspects, he did not seem to be in trouble, and had fooled me twice or thrice.
Back to the topic:
I was left all alone amidst Great Tokyo! Moreover, neither my parents nor my brothers have known about me living with this woman who has just parted from me. And back in March, I failed my exams for entering University.
She went a way four months prior to Exam Day of the coming year. And I had wrote to my parents, saying I had been well prepared for the exams.
Yet every day I would loiter, out and about in town, regretful as I was. It all started in the morning when I wake up ---- I would return to the lodging only to go to bed. For two or three times I took with me exam-aid books for Chinese classics or English, which ended up as mere weights.
Finally, I shall record my living-being as a "regretful man".
In the streets
Memorial service of Tominaga.
In and around the lodging
The secondhand dealer's, the chemist's, Company Nanzando, Bookshop Kanda, reading at night, Poetry, matters concerning Mr Shinoda and his grandmother. Returning to my family home. Mr Moro'i. My father passed away. A visit to Mr Satou. Then Mr Kawakami. Cooking at Mr Kobayashi's. Ōoka, Rokurou Abe, the Suruya Band, Kawakami, Mura'i, Kobayashi. He went missing.
